


Memories

by Lakritzwolf



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x19 Coda, Asmodeus makes a background appearance, But a lot of hurt and no comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, magnus introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 10:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18618463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: Just my take on Magnus' inner turmoil in 3x19 because it fell rather flat in the show.





	Memories

Magnus walks through the streets of New York, aimless, adrift, and haunted by memories. Memories he has no means and no strength to fight, and each and every one of them is like a knife cutting right into the core of his soul.

He has his magic back, but the elation, the triumph, the tears of joy at seeing the sparks on his skin again is utterly absent.

Not even this, his magic finally humming under his skin again, something that was supposed to make him finally feel whole again, make him feel alive again, can make him feel anything other than empty. Hollow. Lost. Alone.

Because he has no one to share the joy with. And he has no one else to blame but himself.

He lashed out at everyone, pushed them all away, everyone but Alexander who in the end was no longer able to bear Magnus in his broken state. Even he, the man who claimed undying love, is no longer able to live with the ruins of Magnus’ self.

Destroying the lock with his magic brings relief, a single heartbeat in which the frustration and the fear and the pain find an outlet. The relief is gone as fast as it appeared, leaving only more bitterness in its wake.

If only he could forget.

But it’s not that easy. Nothing is ever that easy. He is being turned away again, and he wonders why he had ever stopped relying only on himself.

In the darkness, the memories before him look like ghosts, spectres of a past too painful to bear, and he wants them gone, he wants the pain to stop, he just wants to feel a moment of peace again.

_I don’t care who your dad is. I care about who you are._

_On every mission I’ve ever been on, I’ve never felt that type of fear, ever. Not knowing if you were dead. I... I was terrified._

_Magnus, I... I love you._

_It’s supposed to bring you luck and protection._

_There’s nothing ugly about you._

_Enough._

_Just... let me be here for you._

_You know, you’re going to be a hell of a dad._

_Magnus, they’re beautiful. You’re beautiful._

_I fell in love with you because you’re wise and you’re generous and you’re brave and you’re incredible._

Magnus grits his teeth so hard it hurts.

_When you walk into a room there’s a spark in you, magic or not, that lights up everything and everyone around you._

_I won’t lose you. I can’t._

Magnus’ vision blurs, and the tears burn in his eyes and on his cheek.

_I can’t. I’m sorry._

All those words and promises, nothing but chaff before the wind.

And Magnus lashes out then, to banish those memories into oblivion, even though he knows it will leave another gaping hole inside him. But anything is better than this. Anything.

At first, he doesn’t know why he lets his father stop him.

But deep down, he knows Asmodeus is right.

And he looks at those memories, and he accepts them as what they are, pain that will be a part of him, pain that will make him stronger. And he knows that he will use that pain and turn it into bricks, and use the memories of Alec as grout to keep them together, to build a wall around the tattered remains of his heart, so strong that nothing and no one can ever breach it, high enough that no one can ever scale it. And maybe his heart will heal, but it will be nothing more than a lump of scarred tissue that will never feel again what he feels now.

But right now the pain is still here, bright and fresh and agonising, and he feels so weak he cannot even begin to build that wall that will never be broken again.

And he knows this is a bad idea.

He knows that his father is lying, and even if not all of what he says is a complete lie, Magnus knows with every fibre of his being that this is a bad idea.

But no one is here, and even if his father now offers his support he does so for the wrong reasons. Magnus knows this, but he does it anyway.

Because now there is someone to hold on to, and Magnus knows that this embrace is comfort as much as it is poison, but he does it anyway.

Because he is weak, and he is falling apart more than he had ever thought possible with still being alive enough to feel it.

And for a moment, just a short, single moment, he allows himself the illusion that someone truly cares.


End file.
